We at the Speaking Easy Podcast try not to be so judgmental, but really, folks, we do have standards. We’re not above trying moonshine out-the-back-of-a-truck, we’re not above the occasional macrobrew, and we’re certainly not above indulging in one or three-too-many on occasion.
Jordan and I try not to be snobs, but there comes a point when something has just gotten out of hand. So I wanted to make a list of have things I just won’t do. Like Meatloaf. Here’s the top (bottom?) 10, in no particular order, because I didn’t want to think about them so much:
1. Buy A Cheap Pre-Made Sour Mix in a Plastic Bottle: We talk about this all of the time. Just stop. You can make your own, ridiculously high-quality sour mixes right at home. Or buy one from our friends at Cocktail Crate. But the plastic kind (both in the bottle and the bottle itself) an aisle over from where you buy your Fruit Roll-Ups? C’mon, now.
2. Body Shots: Listen, shots are okay. A tequila shot is a great way to get a party going. A chilled vodka shot is actually one of the few enjoyable ways to drink vodka neat. (Actually, the only way). But body shots? I’m sorry, I don’t know what you’ve showered in? What if your soap is gross? Or if you’ve showered at all? Belly buttons are gross, even on supermodels.
3. Long Island Iced Tea: Not only does your bartender hate you for ordering this, but this is the epitome of drinking to get drunk. Definitely not drinking #ToBeingABetterDrinker. This masks the flavor of the (cruddy) liquor instead of putting on your big boy/girl pants and ordering a drink where you can taste the alcohol just enough to know how much you’ve had.
4. Aerosolized Liquor: Okay, this one I’m on the fence on, because it seems like a cool idea…wait, no it does not. This seems incredibly dangerous and wrong. Drink like a grown-up, not a future space robot. Not that I’m afraid of the future…
5. Adult Chocolate Milk: All right, sometimes I know I’m courting trouble when I put my opinion out there, but this is just crazy, folks: there are milk cocktails that work. There are times when it is fun to be a (drunk) kid again. But this is just a bit too far for my taste. Bring on the hate mail. I’ll be over here drinking my Adult Capri Sun (tequila and Capri Sun, it’s not that hard).
6. Spam Cocktails: Now I’ll freely admit I will eat Spam on occasion (fry it up like bacon for breakfast? Yessssss). But with alcohol? Please, I’m trying not to gag. I get savory cocktails, but this makes me want to leave this planet.
7. Overly Complicated Cocktails: Okay, so this is one of the tamest things on the list, but it’s an important one. In the quest for new and better cocktails, sometimes your bartender or bar will try to pile on ingredient-after-ingredient just to achieve something new. They say it’s going to hit every part of your palate. They say you won’t be able to taste the gin. They are right, but that’s a bad drink. There’s no hard-and-fast rule for the number of ingredients a cocktail has, but if you have to look up more than a few of them, you’re probably heading to cannot-taste-anything-because-I-am-tasting-everything land.
8. Plain Mimosas: I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again: we deserve a better brunch cocktail. Spike your mimosa with home-infused orange vodka? Bam, that’s a brilliant drink. Muddle some raspberries before pouring the champagne? All for it, can I get one. But just champagne topped with orange juice? We can do better. We started this podcast (I believe, I don’t ever speak for Jordan) so we can.
9. Mustachioed Bartenders Who Don’t Get My References to Civil War Generals: Seriously, you have this giant mustache and don’t know who Ambrose Burnside is? Ugh. But sure, let’s see how your barrel-aged Manhattan is, now (probably lacking historical knowledge, if I had to guess).
10. Bacon Infusions: Okay, I know I said that Adult Chocolate Milk might get me in trouble, but this one really might—I ask only that you read the whole thing before you judge. I love bacon. A lot of the things in my house are themed around bacon. I’ve worn a shirt that says “Keep Calm and Eat Bacon” shirt on a date before (we did go out again, because anyone who doesn’t love bacon could never be with me). I have a detailed ranking in my head of bacon brands. ALL OF THAT IS TO SAY that I love bacon so much, that I don’t want it in other forms. When I smell or taste bacon, like with a bacon infusion, I want the real thing. You can’t smell the ocean without longing for the shore? SO WHY would you want to smell bacon without getting the full effect of it—crispy, salty, delicious bacon. I hope you’re as hungry as I am, now. I’d even eat this bacon soap.